Having a favourite child: ‘Unfortunately, it impacts on them, but they do it all to themselves’

“I tell them I hate them all equally,” one parent joked when asked about having a favourite child. Possibly because joking seems the only acceptable way to answer such a question.
The concept of having a favourite child may not be a new one – just ask the brother of the prodigal son his thoughts on the whole fatted calf situation. But it’s still no easier to admit to, and so remains one of parenthood’s great taboos.
Anna has four children. She is very aware of the favouritism she shows one of her children. “It’s definitely the one, who if they ask nicely for money, they’ll get it – they won’t have to do anything. Or if somebody invites them [somewhere] we’ll definitely do our best to get them there,” she says.
And there’s a reason for this, Anna explains. “That’s because that child is particularly good and nice and helpful,” she says “including around the house.”
“And then you also have the one child who gets nothing because they’re so ungrateful,” she continues. “Unfortunately, it impacts on them, but they do it all to themselves. And you try your best, and you do it. And I think that’s just human nature.”
Anna thinks her other children appreciate why one particular child is the favourite. “I think everybody in the house can see that he’s kind and nice to everybody. He’s even nice to those absolute pain in the arses, who aren’t nice to anyone.”
As a result, he “doesn’t get called out” for the favouritism shown to him, she says. “He’s just so good and subtle and grateful. He’s a joy.”
Anna believes her husband is aware of the favourite status of one of her children, but says he has his own favourite and it all remains “unspoken”. She doesn’t think her favourite child is aware of his status.
All the same, Anna is conscious of trying to change things. “I try my best. I definitely get up every morning and say I am going to be a parent to number whatever child. And I start every day, but sure you’re worn down by breakfast time,” because of their behaviour, she explains. “There’s definitely that ongoing dialogue on a daily basis.”
Ciara has three children. Her middle child is her favourite. “He’s absolutely hilarious and he’s super cute,” she explains. She thinks his age is probably a factor here. “I’m pretty sure I felt the same about my first child when he was this age.”
Her children are all at very different stages now, and her eldest child is dealing “a lot with frustration at his younger brother”, as well as adjusting to another new sibling, Ciara explains. “There’s a lot more challenging times with him, than there are enjoyable times with him.
“It’s one drama after the other. But then I am afraid, what if this is going to shape his personality to some degree. With the second boy it’s all, ‘he’s cute and funny and he has us laughing’ and with the older boy it’s all, ‘stop, no, stop that now – be kind to your brother’.”
Ciara feels guilty for enjoying her younger son more, she admits. “I end up overcompensating. To the older boy, I’m [saying] ‘come on over here and give me a big cuddle and we’ll have a nice bit of quality time together’. Only for a half an hour later, I’m going, ‘Jesus. What are you doing’?” she says. “I feel like for him it must be a bit of an emotional roller coaster.”
Guilt means that Ciara sometimes feels she can’t give her “favourite child” the amount of attention he deserves. “I’m holding back a little bit.”
She also believes her older child suspects a parental preference for his younger sibling, and voiced his suspicions recently. “It absolutely broke my heart,” Ciara says. The favoured child remains oblivious to his position, she adds.
Patricia has four children. Her youngest child is her favourite, she explains. “Because he can’t answer me back,” she says, laughing about her baby son.
Patricia’s children have very different personalities, she explains. And she admits to finding aspects of those personalities difficult to manage. “Sometimes things that I notice about myself, that I find hardest to deal with in the kids,” she says.
Patricia suspects one particular child, where she can see those similarities most clearly, may be becoming aware of this. “She has said things lately,” says Patricia. Things like, “you don’t like me”. These are things that her daughter wouldn’t have said before, but Patricia is also conscious that she’s having a tough time at school and feels there’s a spillover. “She probably would have been the one I would have connected with most until having the baby. I’m wondering, ‘gosh, have I been treating her differently?’ I’ve been trying the whole positive parenting and positive reinforcement and my God that’s hard to do all the time.”
Patricia struggles with feeling as she does. “The guilt is huge,” she admits.
Aisling O’Connor, parenting and child psychologist, says having a favourite child is a lot more common than people realise, and says she deals with it a lot in her clinic. “One of the questions that I always ask parents is, ‘do you feel disconnected from your child. And when the answer is yes, which is very often, that is what we are talking about when we talk about favourite child. We’re talking about a disconnect, I think with one [or more] of the children.”
Parents shouldn’t feel guilty about this, continues O’Connor. “Guilt isn’t going to help in any way. I think they need to have a lot of self-compassion because there are always reasons why. And very often, in my opinion, from what I’m seeing, it’s to do with intergenerational patterns.
“So if there’s a disconnect in attachment in that relationship, if there’s been birth trauma, if mum has had postnatal depression or anxiety, and has had a rocky start, there isn’t potentially that time to form that bond that happens at the very beginning.”
O’Connor says if parents are aware that they have a favourite child, there are things they can do to address the situation. “It’s often to do with that disconnect. There’s been some kind of interruption to the attachment. Or potentially one child is a little bit more difficult than another child. Different temperament.
“Different start in life which meant their brain wired differently and they might have more needs. They might be more vocal. They might have different sensory needs.”
She suggests parents consider seeking “some professional advice on it. There are many people out there that can help reconnect you and the child. And lots and lots of self-compassion and knowing that it’s not their fault, there’ll be reason why it’s happened and that there are ways to change it.”